Once upon time, there was a man named Thor. Thor is a mystical creature, son of Odin (side note: I have not the slightest clue who Odin is but I loved Odie from Garfield), and keeper of all the panties. Thor is beautiful. Because... Chris Hemsworth, guys.
This is a story about the time I almost married real life Thor. And by married, I mean spoke-to-for-a-few-glorious-then-incredibly-disappointing-minutes.
One night, actually - Valentine's Day last year (remember, my inner slut was at max potential on said evening), I was at a local establishment with a bunch of my best bitches. Around 10:04pm, the music stopped, thunder rolled, the crowd parted, someone nearby turned on a smoke machine, and everyone turned to see a glorious creature walk through the doors of the bar. He was hefty, beefy, rugged, manly, and magical. He was real life Thor. With a man bun rivaling all man buns and blonde locks more authentic than mine, Colorado Thor entered the room looking like a walking beefcake on a stick. Is a beefcake on a stick a corndog? I digress.
... for some reason he came and sat next to me. And I was about to make damn sure I was lady Thor for the rest of my life.
Thor and I chatted and flirted. He told me he was a firefighter, at which point my right ovary exploded. He also told me he did some lumberjack work on the side, at which point my panties caught fire. He let me try on his giant poofy Patagonia vest, because obviously he was a sponsored skier during the winter, at which point my bra burst into flames. He smelled of Christmas, celebrity sex, magical woodland creatures, Juniper Breeze lotion from Bath and Body Works circa 1998, and those pinecones you get at King Soopers in December that are doused in cinnamon oil.
And then my world came crashing down.
Thor was so perfect that I could've justified so many downfalls. No job? No worries, he's probs like a law student or some shit. Just broke up with a girlfriend? Whatevs, I can make him forget; give me five minutes. Possible sociopath? I'm sure there are meds to like, make him want to murder me less.
So, I asked the question I regret asking most in 2015. "So... where do you live?"
"Well, to be honest I'm just living in my car right now because I don't want to pay rent."
F*ck me. But like, not literally, because you don't have an actual bed. And sex in a car is so 2003 for me. I'm too old for that shit.
I mean, where do you poop? What happens if you need to go #2 in the middle of the night? Where do you keep your toothbrush? How do you watch the Real Housewives? On your phone? Do you park/sleep next to Starbucks for better wifi reception? Is there buffering? Where do you keep your hammer? It doesn't seem like Odin would be cool with you keeping it in your car all night...
Sure, I could let Thor come and stay the night with me, but then he would probably never leave. I know if I got a taste of a 12 hour "Say Yes to the Dress" binge with two magical cats on my lap and HEAT, I would never leave. If he came and stayed with me, where would I drop him off afterwards? Just like... his car? "Ok, have a good night... make sure the heater is on cause it's like February and you hear of all those homeless people freezing to death..." Is it ok to use the word "homeless" around someone who lives in their car?
I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.
Thor saw the horror on my face. Because, he's magic and his hammer probably gives him super mind reading powers. And, if you know me, you know you can tell exactly what I'm thinking at all times because I have the worst poker face known to womankind. Thor moved onto some other blond, who was shorter and probably folded into the backseat more efficiently anyway.
The worst part of this whole ordeal was that a month later, I was telling this story at a party (because it's a great party story). Mid regalement, some dude at the party I don't know goes
"Wait... was his name Thor (names have been changed, obvs, because this is real journalism)?"
I said.... "yes."
He retorts back "OH I KNOW HIM HE'S A GREAT GUY!"
So, then I felt awful, but I refuse to feel bad about not dating someone who doesn't utilize an actual set of sheets. He was so beautiful; my heart is still broken, but not broken enough to spend the night on a reclined heated seat.Moral of the story, guys. Things are not always what they seem. And the legends are true, Thor does exist and he is magical, but I shall never tell the tale of his magical penis.
Also, everyone wants to know what kind of car it was, as if this somehow justifies his living situation. I found out later that it was a jeep, so everyone just calm the f*ck down.
#singleforlife
XO,
K
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