Women make zero sense; I can't even make sense of myself. Some days I'm like "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is the best" and then other days I'm like "Real Housewives of Atlanta is obvs my favorite." I will keep saying this: women are crazy. And even though we know we're being ridiculous when the crazy is happening, we fail to grasp how to stop the crazy from exploding out of our pores. I feel bad for men, I do. But then, I'm sups good looking, so I don't feel that bad for them. I'm going to outline just a few of the dichotomies that are women.
#1. Pick up the phone and call us. We don't actually want to talk to your ass on the phone, but when you call us instead of texting we can tell our friends "OH MY GAH you guysssss, He actually CALLED me instead of just texting. I feel like we're gonna get married for sure. He's like probs the one. He's not a boy, he's like a MAN. He's totes mature and refined." But please, don't make us talk to you for longer than 15 minutes.
#2. Don't call/text us too much.... but wait, why did you stop calling? I think I love you, I need you to call. Please text. Why don't you like me? Is it because I don't have a thigh gap? It's been 25 hours and 12 minutes. Ugh, you're calling too much. Don't smother me, I'm an independent woman and need my space. Wait - are you seeing someone else? **plays Kelly Clarkson's "Miss Independent" on repeat**
#3. Be sexy but not creepy. Turn us on, talk dirty to us, but maybe just not while we're PMSing, in a bad mood, or when the weather is too sunny. Sext us, but don't like SEXT us. Also, I digress, but here's a general rule for the male population. No dick pics. Ever. JUST, NO. There was never an attractive/successful dick pic ever taken. Ever. If Channing Tatum can't take a good dick pic, no one can. But still talk dirty to us every other Wednesday and when we're feeling sassy. Good luck with this one.
#4. We love you to be fit, but like... not fitter than us. I love your abs, but my abs are hidden under what I call my "white wine layer" on my stomach. There's just a little extra liquid love covering them up, but my doctor can totes feel them when she's palpating my stomach. I like to see your muscles, but you can't look like Thor because that will hurt my fragile self-esteem.
#5. It's 2016 so you better be a damn feminist... but you also should open all of our doors, pay for everything, and be as chivalrous as Prince Charming. But for the love of God, you better support equal pay, be pro choice, and protest for women's rights outside the Hobby Lobby a few blocks from your house, because otherwise, what the f*ck is wrong with you!? This isn't the 60s.
#6. You should love my cats... but not have cats because that's weird (unless you look like Rob Gronkowski with the cat, but reference #4). Do you play World of Warcraft, too? That's a mass generalization, but I feel like men with cats are usually really into World of Warcraft. And that's creepy. But, you better love the shit out of my cats. It's like scientifically proven that people with cats are more intelligent. I don't have time for a dog because I'm an independent woman and have a career... but you're gonna pick up the check, right?
I will write more of these posts, but don't want to overwhelm any of the men reading this. Deep breaths, guys.
XO,
K
