The morning of a pap, I shower like I just survived 9 weeks in the wild with a volleyball as my only friend. A lot of vag scrubbing happens. A LOT. That shit needs to be ON POINT for my doctor so she thinks I take better care of myself than I actually do. I know they give you a bunch of "it's a self cleaning oven" bullshit, but I guarantee you she (or he, if he's Jewish - only trust Jews with your vagina) prefers my chemically scrubbed vag over the hippie with dreadlocks' beav that's sitting in the waiting room. You're welcome, doctor. I chose a minty eucalyptus body wash from Aveda this year; so in right now.
The worst thing about your annual? Not the actual shmear. Not the super sexual gown you get to wear. Not worrying about whether or not your feet smell when they're in the stirrups because your Steve Madden flats are 9 years old. Nope. The worst part? Peeing in a cup.
How is it 2016 and we cannot create something a little easier to f*cking pee in? Do I look like a damn ninja? SOMEONE GET ME A DAMN MIXING BOWL. My sweet potato doesn't have muscles; it's not like how some people can move their ears - no vag can move on its own as a party trick.
NO WOMAN HAS EVER SUCCESSFULLY PEED IN A CUP ON THE FIRST TRY. I clearly pissed all over myself and promptly ruined my freshly scrubbed eucalyptus-scented vagina. So then I had to wipe my ass down (LITERALLY) in those alcohol wipes. I had to use three to clean up the damage that had been done.
Urine sample 2016, we will rebuild.
Obvs I stuck some of those suckers in my purse for one of those nights when I've had like a bottle of wine, haven't showered in a few days, and am feeling a little pervy. Or those nights when I eat Chili's babybackbabybackbabybackribs in bed. #alwaysbeprepared
Also, can we just talk about the pee wizard on the other side of the curtain? Who hired the Wizard of f*cking Oz to collect pee? How is it that I put the pee cup in and someone on the other side always opens it at the same time? EXCUSE ME, CAN I HAVE A LITTLE PRIVACY? I know you're about to be elbows deep in my vaginal canal, but have some damn decency. My cat underwear are around my ankles and I'm covered in my own urine.
Also, I experience real pee shame. I want to like exit the bathroom and make a quick PSA for all the nurses in the facility.
"LISTEN, I HAD LIKE TWO GLASSES OF CHARDONNAY LAST NIGHT SO MY PEE IS A LITTLE ON THE YELLOW SIDE. #HYDRATIONISIMPORTANT
DOES ANYONE HAVE A GATORADE OR ONE OF THOSE SMART WATERS THAT JENNY ANISTON IS ALWAYS DRINKING? I'M TOTES PARCHED."
I don't think I've ever peed at the doctor's office when my pee isn't the color of dead grass. Such a health fail. The dreadlock hippie probably has a bush that looks like a brillow pad shoved in a toilet paper tube ... but I guarantee you her pee is clear as f*ck. That bitch. She probs hydrates.
After the traumatic urine test to rule out a slutty unplanned pregnancy (... in the clear, btw. #WIN) then the questioning begins... aka: the lying. Listen, ladies, I'm not telling you to lie to your doctors. Don't do that, it's totes bad...
But, obvs I do it because I want my doctor to think I'm more of a Princess Diana as opposed to like a Kim Kardashian. Just tell them what they wanna hear and ask for all tests because your "insurance covers it".... My doctor still thinks I'm classy as f*ck and she's had the pleasure of prodding my vagina for 15 years. She clearly doesn't know about this blog.
Lastly, I want to know where I sign up for a doctor that uses inappropriate words.
"Please scoot your bottom down. You're going to feel my hand on your behind, now."
Can someone please be like...
"SCOOT DOWN, BETCH. YOU SMELL LIKE PISS. WHAT HAPPENED OUT THERE? YOU'LL GET 'EM NEXT TIME, SCOUT. OK... READY? I'M GOIN' IN."
I'd also like an ass slap on the way out; where do I sign up for that?
Til next year.
XOXO,
K
