The Honeymoon Phase

All women know what the honeymoon phase is... it's that time in your relationship when you continue to shave your legs and your crotch diligently, appear to have your shit fully together, and pretend to like giving BJs on the reg.  The honeymoon phase can last anywhere from one month to six months, depending on how hardcore you're trying to convince your partner (and yourself) that you're not batshit crazy.  Eventually, however, the truth must come out.  Below is the list that details the slow but steady decline from being perma-pretty and witty to having your sig other bring you toilet paper when you accidentally go #2 without grabbing a new roll.

1. The radio.  In the beginning of the relationship, it's all "let's hold hands whilst driving because I love touching you" while pretending to be into whatever he's playing on the radio because you're totes "low maintenance" and "chill".  Those two traits don't exist in anyone with two X chromosomes, so stop fooling yourselves.  After a solid two weeks of dating, I will throw myself out of the passenger side window going 65 mph before listening to house music. Which, for the record isn't music... it's noise. Forget holding hands, I won't hold your dick again if you make me listen to something that plays after 2am in every hostel across Europe.  HARD PASS.  Britney or bust.  You want a BJ?  I want J Biebs.

2. Wearing makeup to bed.  Obviously, I'm blonde.  Which translates to: I look like something out of a horror film without makeup on.  Dead and sad.  So when I first start dating someone it's all 19 coats of mascara, lash tinting, and false lashes.  That ends pretty quickly because that routine is harder than Kanye staring at himself in a mirror.

3.  Pretending you're not crazy.  This one is almost fun.  It's like a game seeing how long you can hide your desire to snoop through everything he owns, get ridiculously jealous when he looks at a female server while ordering a burger, or not go batshit when you **think** he said another girl's name in his sleep.  Eventually, we all just embrace it and it comes pouring out.  The fun thing about this one is that the longer you hold out, the more crazy you are when you eventually crack.

4. Snugging all night.  Awww... because EVERYONE loves two naked bodies sticking together all night long while he breathes in your ear like some creeper.  And I'm sure he loves all my hair going up his nose and in his mouth.  Once you hit a couple of months or like 10+ times of sleeping together (if you're not the relationship type - side note, if you identify as one of these, you're the craziest of them all) you need a solid 5 foot bubble of personal space to sleep.  Also, I need to get ready for bed because I like my routine. So, I'll come back to bed wearing my glasses that are a solid inch thick (I'm real blind), with a nightguard in (I grind my teeth), and a cat in each hand. Nothing screams sex like someone who just developed four eyes, a lisp, and grew two new pussies.

5. Lingerie.  Oh my gosh.  This one is the best.  I have SO MUCH LINGERIE that has been worn for a total of maybe 15 minutes, cumulatively.  Relationships go from lace and leather to some holey white Victoria's Secret boyshorts you got in college that somehow have a popsicle (or spaghetti... hard to say) stain on them and are slightly too small for your no-longer-college-sized ass. And forget about just the boyshorts, I also like to throw on some sweatpants, fuzzy mismatching socks, a tank with a built-in bra (read: zero sexual access), and a sweatshirt with a hood.  Because I get cold and so do my ears.  Probably because I have so little body fat.

6. Eating.  This is pretty basic.  This goes from "I'll have a salad, dressing on the side" to "Can you please smother my fries in nacho cheese and mayonnaise?"

7. Paying.  This one works in the female's favor, usually.  But at some point (usually once he's seen your unshorn crotch, holey underwear, and has caught you picking your nose at least once) you have to pay for something. If #6 is getting out of control, try and avoid paying for food at all costs.  But really, you should have a job because we're FEMINISTS, dammit! #equality

8. Pretending you're way more cultured and badass than you really are.  Eventually, you have to admit that your favorite tv show is the Real Housewives of every city and that you watch Hoarders and listen to Justin Bieber when you're sad. It's all literature, philosophy, and the History Channel for the first month.  But, eventually you're going to have to tell him you'll need to break up with him if he doesn't start paying for Bravo.

Comfort is a beautiful thing, ladies.  Let that crazy flag fly... but maybe wait until you sink your claws in.

XOXO,

K