When He Doesn't Text

So I really ruined this whole dating blog thing by getting stuck on the first dude I went out with.  Fail, Kira.  Fail.  If you know me, you know I generally don't date anyone so this is clearly some sort of phenomenon likely attributed to astrology, magic, or the fact that men can smell my desperation and general long-term, accidental celibacy.

Anyway, we've been talking for a few months now and he is like so good at being kind, attentive, texting/calling frequently, and sating my inner crazy.  A few weeks ago, a solid 12 hours went by without a text and I quickly morphed from Mila Kunis in "Friends with Benefits"(cool, calm, totes hilar, and  a perfect mix of cute and sexy) into that alien in Independence Day that escapes that human body and kills the scientist by smushing him up against the wall. Code f*cking red.

This has happened to a few of my good friends lately, so I'm just going to compile a brief list of what goes through the mind of a woman when he doesn't text anywhere from an hour to a few days.

Last text: 8:51 am

9:04am:  "I'm so glad he didn't text like RIGHT back.  That reeks of desperation and I'm so independent. I'm not like even sure I'm actually ready for commitment.  My cats and work and crossfit and the eight cities of the Real Housewives take up a ton of time already."

9:30am: "I bet he appreciates that I'm like sups cool and low maintenance; hence why he's not texting me immediately back.  #girlnextdoor.  I'm so glad I'm not one of those crazy bitches that like HAS to have someone text them nonstop. That would be like... so annoying."

10:45am: "I should lingerie shop just in case... you know, to keep him interested.  Once he's seen THIS lingerie he will text every five minutes." Orders $4 lingerie from Yandy.com via a Facebook ad.  (I know so many of you have done this in the past six weeks... for the record, I support it.)

10:48am: Practices lingerie sexting poses.  It's all about the back arch and making sure you don't get a cat in the picture.  Also, make sure your custom cat portraits and cat stuffed animals aren't in the shot either. #thedevilisinthedetails

11:15am: "There are football games on; it's probably hard to text and watch football. The male brain can only handle so much at one time."

11:45am: Stands in front of mirror naked.  "Maybe it's because my right boob is more hefty than my left... ooh a zit!  I should pick it. OOH ANOTHER ONE!" Pokes love handles for 12 minutes to the rhythm of Jingle Bells.

12:03pm:  "Maybe I should sign up for Christianmingle.com. I'm feeling underappreciated.  It's so hard to find a smart, non-crazy, low maintenance girl like me; I am a f*cking CATCH."

12:05pm: "I AM TOO GOOD FOR MEN. Maybe I should try and like women." Sends sad face double chin SnapChat to 12 people.

12:06 - 2:47pm: Takes two hour pity nap with cats.  Wakes up in a puddle of drool with mouth guard halfway out of mouth.

2:53pm : Eats body weight in nachos. "The cheese is dairy free so I probably like burned calories chewing."

3:14pm: Regrets nachos so hard. Gives self a pep talk about why women are the superior gender.

3:16pm: A TEXT MESSAGE APPEARS... from my Mom.  DAMMIT MOM I AM SO BUSY. #psych

3:45pm: "It's probably my thighs.  I knew I should've squatted less in 2015."

4:19pm: Listens to Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me" on repeat 19 times.

6:45pm: Takes four pepto bismol in an effort to counteract irrational stress levels and the anti-caloric nacho feast.

7:05pm: Takes a bath and then partakes in some "calming" yoga while obsessively checking phone. Does not feel calm at all.

8:07pm: Puts on giant fleecy unicorn onesie because "MY SOULMATE WILL LOVE ME NO MATTER WHAT I WEAR TO BED" and pinterest searches "breakup quotes".

8:09pm: Prints out "If he doesn't love you at your worst then he doesn't deserve you at your best" graphic quote centered on a picture of the sun setting over a beach.

9:01pm: Begins final downward spiral into full blown crazy and starts watching a Lifetime movie "next to" a bottle of whiskey on the couch. Even sits through commercials. #lowpoint

9:34pm: TEXT MESSAGE RECEIVED.  "Hey.  Skiing was great.  Just got home"

9:24:25pm: Return to normal-ish human and original Mila Kunis state.  Peel off my onesie, brush whiskey off my teeth, and ptfo because I'm exhausted as f*ck from being so batshit.

Listen, ladies.  In all seriousness.. let's pull ourselves together.  Put on a push-up bra and go to the local Whole Foods looking sexy AF.  My good friend, Olivia Pope, recently told me that women go immediately to self-hate when men are doing something they don't like.  F*ck that.  You do you, boo.  And if that means eating 4.7lbs of nachos and texting the guy you like before he texts you, just do it.  If he can't handle you initiating conversation, watching Lifetime movies all day, and dressing your cats up like furry American Girl dolls, he's probs not worth it.

Snugs, betches.

XOXO,

K