The Sluttiest Days of the Year

There are just certain days of the year that bring out the inner slut in 98.4% of the female population.  The obvious one is Valentine's Day.  Another, not recognized as a slutfest by government institutions and religious organizations, is New Year's Eve.  These nights possess a mystical unicorn-esque energy that turns us into salivating whore bags that wander aimlessly around the bar settling for a solid 6.5 when we deserve at least an 8 (because we put on false lashes and waxed our crotch, dammit).

Last night I got all dolled up with a bunch of friends and spent a night out on the town.  We drank way too much and our whore-y energy (whorenergy?) was at max capacity.  Things are going well; you're socializing; you're convinced you're going to wake up next to some hottie with a beard and two man-buns playing Sam Smith's "Stay With Me" in your head on repeat. But you know what can really kill a betch's crazy pheromone-fueled lust search?  A loser.

You meet a NYE 8 (a 5 on any of the other 363 days of the year and a 9 on Valentine's Day) and you're chatting away.  Batting those falsies, being sups cute and witty (but not too smart because no man wants a woman that is TOO smart, right?).  He buys you a drink that you DEFINITELY don't need, and even though he probably spells "definitely" as "defiantly" in his texts, you think you've succeeded in your slutty, self-confidence boosting, loneliness killing search.

But then you ask him what he does.  And he tells you.  And you instantly wish you wouldn't have asked. "I tried accounting for a few months and didn't like it.  So I'm a server."

...

  **internal chant begins: 'don't be a judgey bitch, don't be a judgey bitch'** 

My internal chant obviously failed so hard.  I mean - a few months isn't really long enough to decide you hate something that is life altering, is it?  Like... I used to really hate salmon because pink foods weird me out; but like, I tried it a few more times and now I like it a lot.  And like, if salmon was deciding whether or not I got to keep my DVR and continue to record all the Real Housewives due to cost savings reasons, I would probably suck it up and try and stick it out with salmon before switching to those vacuum sealed packages of Bumblebee tuna (which, by the way, are delicious).

Because I'm an accidental bitch, I asked him what his five year plan was before I could think about what was coming out of my mouth... because, apparently I took off my lust crazed hat and put on my boardroom bitch one.  He didn't like that.  Oopsie daisies.  This blond went home alone to her condo that she owns and her cats, both paid for by salmon.

So, general fail for NYE of 2016, but I have big plans for Valentine's Day, you guys.

Happy New Year!

XO,

K